The Internal Struggle with Massages

People love massages. They’re romantic. They’re relaxing. They’re healing. They’re soothing. Everybody only has nothing but great things to say about massages. When I complain about a stiff shoulder, someone from behind a bush will jump-scare screaming I need to get a massage. No matter what mood you’re in or how your body feels at any given moment, the answer to fix or maintain that feeling is a massage.

Until a month ago, I had had one massage in my life. But, on a tropical vacation in Zanzibar following an intense week-long hike in Kilimanjaro. Oh yeah, have you heard, I hiked Kilimanjaro. You probably never heard me mention it! Any who….it felt like THEEEE perfect time to get a massage. Not to mention, it was like $30 for an hour so it would be stupid to say no!

This is about where my thoughts traveled to throughout said experience.

I feel a little exposed being face down, shirtless. Fine I suppose since I’ll do this on the lounging chair next to the pool 50 feet away.

EEHH what the hell is that. Is that oil.

Gross now I feel all greasy.

Frick…my back is probably gonna break out.

Dude, chill. Try to relax.

Okay, I’ll do some deep breathing.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

My face kinda hurts. Like my eyes are gonna pop out.

I’m like a chipmunk with this pillow contraption.

Ow. No, seriously, I think my eyes my explode. I need to adjust.

Okay, I think this is better.

This is kinda relaxing.

What if someone sneaks up and stabs me.

I wouldn’t even see them coming.

They could take me out so easily.

I guess there could be worse ways to go.

Well, assuming they take me out in one gush. and don’t need 4 or 5 skewers.

Stop. Back to breathing.

This is supposed to be calming.

Maybe I’ll just try sleeping.

Dream. Try to dream.

WOAH

CAREFUL

The masseuse just pushed my swimsuit down.

I’m like 90% sure my crack is getting direct sunlight.

I’m sure there’s a few muscles near my tail bone that needs to be worked out by my mother, mother-in-law, and wife’s aunt are within viewshot.

This is not going very smoothly if I’m being frank.

“Can you flip over?”

Thank goodness. My rear is now put away and I’ll be able to notice any mysterious figures approaching. Plus, my eyes have been saved.

Wait. I spoke too soon.

My eyes are now blinded.

We’re shielded by mostly shade under this tree, yet the single light ray has found a path directly to my eyes.

Even with my eyes closed, I face blindness.

Okay, try deep breathing.

In. Out. In. Out.

AHHHHH not the armpits.

Stoppppppppppppp.

I’m too ticklish to massage whatever needs to be massaged in there.

Oh god. She’s heading to the other armpit.

God rest my soul.

I will not survive this.

“Okay. Sit up. All finished”

“Wow. Thank you. That was very soothing.”